Scattered

This is my first full week off of school and I am nothing but scattered. Being a teacher is such a bi-polar existence - for months at a time you live according to strict time-schedules filled with tons of people. Your life is all about "output." At the end, there's this mad rush of finals, my office is jammed with last minute projects and papers...then, Poof! and it's all over and I'm at home, with stacks of undone tasks, unread books, unfinished images...lots of "un." 

There's a sense of frustration that "at my age" I should be past a whole lot of things that still weigh me down. So, it's a struggle. I'm grateful for the time off. I'm grateful that I have meaningful work. I'm grateful that I have resources. But I'm tired of that cyclical sense...that it all circles back around. That so often I find myself back at the same starting point. Maybe that's natural, but I want more from myself than that feeling. 

This is supposed to be a blog on positive things right? I know...

So, my positive take on this - probably to just "knock it off" that it's okay to laze around for a few days - even a week - even more than that if possible! Too much puritan work-ethic. One of the beliefs that have stayed with me from my Buddhist readings is that we create much of our own suffering through attachment and desire. That awareness of the moment, living in the moment with acceptance can preclude much suffering. Isn't that the goal of meditation? To stop the chatter. To stop the fear of unstructured time. To stop the fear...probably just in general. Or maybe to accept it and feel it - knowing that we can survive it. 

p.s. yes, I realize I said in my previous post that I was taking off for the summer...well I felt like posting, so I did! No rules for me!